Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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