Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
