so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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