Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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