wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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