so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
