I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
