Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
