Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
