The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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