I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
