Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
