Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
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Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
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It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
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