You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
