the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Randomize
