i think i recognize dicks better than faces
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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