take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
