theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
