She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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