he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
In other news, I just burned my penis
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
