yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
