Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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