a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Randomize
