i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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