Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
