Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
