We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
