Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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