Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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