I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
