i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
