either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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