Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
