He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
