I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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