My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
