Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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