she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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