Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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