mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
