I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
