HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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