I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
