Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
