Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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