i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
