You made me cry and you don't even care
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
