Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
