Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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