i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
