she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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