I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
