Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
i think my cat just said my name.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
