i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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