I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I'm bleeding and have questions
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
