She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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